Make an Appointment With Erin

“But, It Wasn’t Physical Abuse…”

Dec 24, 2020

It’s time to stop throwing this qualifier into our experience! Let’s look at psychological abuse and the multifaceted, never-ending techniques Sociopaths and Psychopaths use to abuse:

  • Tracking tire prints in the driveway, and if any unfamiliar track is discovered, it is basis for accusing the victim of cheating and a reason to go out and cheat, all based on false conclusions and poor communication.
  • Using sleep deprivation, they push you to a breaking point, until you willingly surrender to their orders and suggestions. Until you give away your power. This used in military training and cults.
  • Maiming, torturing, and/or killing a family pet.
  • When they know they have you in their grasp, they will withdraw a bit, just to test you a little. To see at which point you react. They are looking for hot buttons they will push to push you into panic to prevent you from gaining clarity. Because when you are in an emotional turmoil, your intuition and reason are harder to access.
  • Preoccupied with blaming others, have all-or-nothing thinking, and unmanaged emotions that drive their behavior and engage in extreme behavior that 90 percent of people would never do.
  • Systematically punishes the victim for having any life that is outside the abuser’s control.
  • After the breakup, they will openly brag about how happy they are with their new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. Many times they brag about the numerous women they have been engaged to over the years, usually an obscenely high number.
  • If you fail to be there when they need you, you will suffer the consequences by having to feel the pain of abandonment. And they will ghost you over, and over.
  • The core toxic emotion motivating these abusers is envy. In other words, if they can’t have what you have, you shouldn’t be able to have it either.
  • After they put you on a pedestal, they relish taking you down.
  • They will devalue and denigrate you.
  • They will disrespect you and make fun of you in front of other people.
  • Arguing with you at 4 am in the morning so that you can’t function and will flunk that exam or job interview.
  • Sabotaging your relationship with your child.
  • Destroying your sense of self-worth.
  • Cheating on their partner on significant occasions such as valentine’s day or while they are away at a funeral – at times when the victim will least expect it. Not only that, they do it with the person the victim suspects the least…. time and time again.
  • Spreading falsehoods to slander your reputation or smear your credibility to others. This is a form of gaslighting intended to manage your image in the public eye to ensure that no one would believe you were being abused.
  • Preemptively striking with personal attacks to unsettle you and smear your good name because they are pathologically envious or threatened.
  • Lying to keep one step ahead of you. They engage in a constant dance of positioning for advantage. They want you to be in the dark or second-guessing yourself. And they don’t want you to have their number. They neither want you to know who they really are nor what they’re really up to. They seek only power, dominance, and control. And lying enables this. It gives them the position of advantage.
  • Living double lives and hiding multiple affairs. They are prone to lying about and exaggerating their integrity and character as well.
  • Challenging and invalidating your thoughts, emotions, perceptions, and sanity.
  • Retaliating to inflict tangible damage on the victim – whether it involves an assault on their privacy, their good name, their work, their future relationships or friendships, and even children, the narcissist seeks revenge to punish you and reestablish control over you.
  • Stalking and harassing those who break up with them, to release intimate photos, journals, or texts of their former significant others.
  • Repeatedly abandoning their loved ones in times of great need. Victims are often discarded by their partners at the worst possible moments – such as at the beginning of a pregnancy, a miscarriage, in the middle of nowhere on vacation, after the loss of a loved one, or even during a life-threatening illness. Being on the receiving end of such cruelty is a trauma in itself. This discard is designed to sabotage you psychologically.
  • Sadistically taking pleasure in causing your destruction. They make sure to brandish their blows when you’re especially low, so you are unable to fight back effectively.
  • Slight or imagined grievances set off rage, revenge, viciousness, and physical or emotional violence. They will go to shocking lengths or depths to malign those who thwart them.
  • Telling you in detail, their military combat experiences to intimidate and scare you into submission. (e..g. detail of how handy their jungle warfare training kept them alive; boasting of being a sniper and how they can snipe someone from two miles away).
  • Incapacity to feel the pain of others and words only have meaning to persuade and manipulate others. Feelings and emotions are non-existent but often cleverly mimicked such emotions when needed and in ways which will deceive the observer into believing they are true emotions.
  • Unstoppable and untreatable predators whose violence is planned, purposeful and emotionless.
  • Manufacturing the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, they create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise their perceived value.
  • Their ability to groom others is unmatched. They will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. They are constantly suggesting that they might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
  • The final triangulation happens when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting them, and how they don’t know if they can deal with your behavior anymore. They will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, they’ve been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why they aren’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship. Well, the reason is they’ve already made the decision to dump you—now they’re just torturing you. They only seek advice from people they know will agree with them. That “friend” they’re talking to is probably their next target.
  • If you lash out and begin uncovering their lies, they will do everything in their power to drive you to suicide. This is why they constantly wave their new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring their happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame the new target, instead of the true abuser.
  • Engaging in intermittent reinforcement … to keep their victims attached. A Cat and Mouse Game. This involves being nice interspersed with being not nice, or lots of engagement interspersed with withdrawal of love and attention.
  • Faking warmth, joy, appreciation, and motivation towards others to satisfy one’s ulterior motives. Though these traits make them seem emotionally strong, they remain cold and do not exhibit emotions like a normal person would.
  • Boasting of having new, ‘tricks up their sleeve.’ Enjoys manipulating people from a distance, without the other person even knowing. They blame the victim for being gullible to their tricks while continuing to use them.

Recent Posts

Doing The Right Thing

Once upon a time there was an adolescent girls group home located on Stratton Avenue. We were the last stop before Woodside. The girls, between the ages of 12 and 18, were chronic runaways, neglected, physically and sexually abused, and practiced self-harm to cope....

From Darkness to Light

Why I care, why I do what I do, why I go into the community, the motels, why I feel even the most lost have a chance to change, even if they have failed every time before: Part I – What It Was Like In the 1970’s, friends and relatives would gather and have...

Beware of Predators

Over the period of almost a decade, I occasionally asked myself, “what is it going to take, in order for me to leave for good?” At the end, I saw what it took looking at myself in the hotel mirror – at 5’10, I was down to 130 pounds – something I hadn’t weighed since...

Sexual Violence & Common Responses

According to national statistics, one in six women are sexually assaulted during their lifetime. As disturbing as this statistic is, the number of victims is higher, as these reports do not include marital rape, or the many women and men who do not report sexual...

New Group Starting

Women's 101 Group 2021 Beginning Friday, February 12, 2021 from 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm and continuing for 9 more consecutive Friday's A New Day Counseling, LLC is offering a Closed, 10 week support group for women   Do you find yourself with little time for self-care and...